Panic

My eyes shoot open as a series of images flash in my head
Me running from the silhouette of a disfigured organism I can’t quite label
The shuffling of my feet failing to cover the pounding of my heart
The crackling of leaves as I thud on their brittle bodies
The world spinning as my dizzy face turns to a pastel shade of blue
My lungs screaming in agony, trying to absorb any remnants of oxygen in the proximity
No amount of air reaching my body seems to soothe my frizzled nerves

I can’t see clearly now, I don’t see colors now
I see hazy contours of enormous objects now
I see flashing lights all around my body trying to warn me about something now
I see black patches of doubt clouding up my memories of the halcyon days now
I see the delineation of the outlines of my own body now
I see my hands melting into a pool of blood and sweat now
And I run again
I don’t know what I’m running from, I don’t know what’s chasing me
I don’t know if I’m visible in the black void that seems to be embracing me
I don’t know if my work or the things that I do for others precede me
I don’t know if people know my name or if they ever try to talk to me
I don’t know if I flash in their minds before sleeping and if they smile at the thought of me
I don’t know if my death will affect them or if they’ll even ever cry for me
I don’t know why such things even bother me
But they do
I am trying to maintain a happy facade as my mind shoots bullets at my soul
I am trying to ignore the thoughts that are pushing my adrenaline to the shore
I am trying to remember that I’ve got nothing to fear in this big, wide world
I am trying to process the conviction that I seem to hold firmly to the core
I am trying to understand why I am feeling this way, what I am punishing myself for
I am trying to forget the reasons why my feet don’t stop moving in a blur
I am trying to cradle my fragile heart and sing it a lullaby forevermore
I am trying
And failing
This feeling is alien to my body
My body droops in the patronizing hold of it and I’m fading
I’m fading against the dark moonlit trees and the crisp scrawny branches
The branches line my path and I stop for a breather
The breather gives me time to think over this sudden burst and it hits me
It hits me and my stomach is somehow turning to lead
Lead is what my legs become as the fatigue reaches it and I cry
I cry and I stamp my feet and I pull on my hair and I scream
I scream and I scream until my throat turns raw and I gasp for air
Air is what started this process, or rather, the absence of it
And suddenly, I know what it is that’s chasing me
Panic
There are a million minute things in the world that could easily drag me to oblivion
Things as simple as the submission of an assignment or the ignorance of a friend
My mind is triggered by the combination of an infinite number of possibilities and I cannot control this
I cannot control which direction my mind takes me when certain responsibilities drop on my shoulders
I cannot control the speed of my feet as I run away from the things that look up to me
I cannot control the pulse of my heart as I imagine the worst outcome and I shake out of fear
I cannot control this boundless feeling as it drowns me in a bottomless void
All I can do
Is fall
And falling is what I am.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Srishtee says:

    Very nicely written 😊

    Like

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